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A question about Finnish motherhood and mothers

  • Viestiketjun aloittaja Viestiketjun aloittaja "Charlotte"
  • Ensimmäinen viesti Ensimmäinen viesti
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In Finland the "normality" is very narrow. If you do anything outside the box, your life is not accepted, and that makes you selfish and childish and you hate kids etc. For so many finns a life, that varies from their own, is the wrong life. The only way to live is how they live.
 
Alkuperäinen kirjoittaja -:
I think that most Finns must be a bit bewildered about your situation. If you don't go to work, don't clean/do the laundry and ironing, or even don't take care of your small children yourself - what on earth would you do then? Many won't know how to behave around you, what to talk with you. Finnish moms/dads either go to work or are at home taking care of their children.

Having said all this, I must add that it's very unfortunate that people would get mean about it. But maybe they are just amazed and don't know how to behave... no excuse, but still. I can't actually think why anyone would envy such an empty life, I don't think it's about jealosy. Aren't you a bit bored, why not go to work then, for some social life?

My husband is actually rich, but I'd rather go to work and "have a life" of my own and a career; we also take care of the ordinary household things (cleaning, laundry, ironing) ourselves. It isn't hard. But this is the Finnish way, it is a bit difficult to explain it.
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My life is not empty. Why would you say such thing? To be honest this is a bit the nuance of the comments I've been receiving over here.

I love my life like this. As I already said, I spend time w/ my children every day - just not ALL day every day. I don't "shop" that much and I do have a social life. Don't you have a social life outside your work? That's a bit funny to me.

For example, I do a lot of reading, study 2 languages at the present time, I run my exercise routines every day and meet up w/ friends. I love gardening and decorate the house a lot. Does this sound empty to you? Then we have different definition of empty.
 
[QUOTE="Charlotte";23844471]My life is not empty. Why would you say such thing? To be honest this is a bit the nuance of the comments I've been receiving over here.
[/QUOTE]

If you don't life like most finnish mums live, that means your life must be empty and you live it the wrong way. That is how too many finns think. You HAVE to do like everyone else, or you are not accepted. Anything different is too much, like that is a threat to their existence. Many don't ever think do they want that, they just do because it has always been done that way. If someone does it the other way, it forces them to see that there IS another way, and that is too scary.
 
Hi and thanks for explaining your daily routines :) Now that I think of hiring a nanny does not sound like a bad idea at all... We will have a baby in a few months and we are still going to keep our son (3,5 years) in daycare for 3 days a week. As yep! said this is also something that many people won't understand or accept.
 
[QUOTE="Charlotte";23844386]But I am. Why is it a bad thing for me to be able to relax and run arrons? This I don't understand. My children won't miss out on anything they are in a hands of a very capable nanny whom they like. I spend a lot of time w/ them every single day - just not all day every day.[/QUOTE]

Many Finnish mothers wouldn't agree with you on that. They would say your children miss out their mother, and they're not supposed to be in hands of a capable nanny, but a capable mother, whom they LOVE.
 
For many finnish mums a MOTHER is the only one who is capable of taking care of their children. Not even a father, or a grandmother, only mother. That is the myth of super mum.
 
[QUOTE="Charlotte";23844471]For example, I do a lot of reading, study 2 languages at the present time, I run my exercise routines every day and meet up w/ friends. I love gardening and decorate the house a lot. Does this sound empty to you? Then we have different definition of empty.[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but yes... it does sound a bit empty to me. A bit like a teenage-life, you're not heading anywhere. How would you see your life in 5, 10 or 15 years' time, when the kids' ll grow?

This is just my opinion without any intention to insult. Obviously you see your life differently and love it - so no problem then? Just live your life and enjoy, what does it matter if most people think differently?
 
[QUOTE="eee";23844529]Many Finnish mothers wouldn't agree with you on that. They would say your children miss out their mother, and they're not supposed to be in hands of a capable nanny, but a capable mother, whom they LOVE.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I see that and they are. But the question is - do Finnish people think that children should be w/ their mom or parents all the time, all day every day? I mean isn't it better for THEM to be with parents who are happy and energetic BECAUSE they have life (hobbies/friends/etc.) outside the house as well?

My children are w/ me and/or their father at least 60-70% of the time they spend awake.
 
[QUOTE="Charlotte";23844471]
I love my life like this. As I already said, I spend time w/ my children every day - just not ALL day every day. I don't "shop" that much and I do have a social life. Don't you have a social life outside your work? That's a bit funny to me.

For example, I do a lot of reading, study 2 languages at the present time, I run my exercise routines every day and meet up w/ friends. I love gardening and decorate the house a lot. Does this sound empty to you? Then we have different definition of empty.[/QUOTE]

Most Finnish mothers indeed reduce their social lives when they have small children. They may meet their friends once in a while, but take the children with them. They also let children help with gardening etc (according to the children's age and capabilities, of course), and do such things together.

Personal activities are usually restricted, some may go for a run or to the gym or to party in the evenings when the father is watching the kids. But usually you just accept that you can't do as much on your own as you used to. After all, it's just a short time before the kids grow up and give you more time again :)
 
[QUOTE="Charlotte";23844584]Yes, I see that and they are. But the question is - do Finnish people think that children should be w/ their mom or parents all the time, all day every day? I mean isn't it better for THEM to be with parents who are happy and energetic BECAUSE they have life (hobbies/friends/etc.) outside the house as well?

My children are w/ me and/or their father at least 60-70% of the time they spend awake.[/QUOTE]

Like I wrote, many finnish mums believe that only mother is good enough for their children. And you are supposed to organise your life around your children. Your hobbies should include children, you meet your friends with your children and so on.
 
I have a friend who has a nanny. I don't see anything bad about it. If you can afford such a luxury then why not using that apportunity.. ? I would :D Well, I have 4 kids, my husband is working everyday from 7am to 7pm so there are times when I just dream about having one or two hours just for me. But I've made my choice long time ago... Fifth child is on the way ;) They crow up so fast that I believe there will be time when I just simply miss these days being at home and not able to do anything special :D
But thumbs up for you :)

sorry my bad english...
 
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply! Now I get you guys a little better :)

Have a great summer all of you and let me just say - your country is only too beautiful, I can't believe all the green and lush around us now.

Hyvaa kesa!
 
Its really no wonder why finnish mothers will get depressed easily. Because most of us doesnt take any time for themselfs! And then they just cries to forums like this how hard parenthood is and all.
Free time is important too. Couple hours in a week isnt really that much..
 
Alkuperäinen kirjoittaja mommy also:
I have a friend who has a nanny. I don't see anything bad about it. If you can afford such a luxury then why not using that apportunity.. ? I would :D Well, I have 4 kids, my husband is working everyday from 7am to 7pm so there are times when I just dream about having one or two hours just for me. But I've made my choice long time ago... Fifth child is on the way ;) They crow up so fast that I believe there will be time when I just simply miss these days being at home and not able to do anything special :D
But thumbs up for you :)

sorry my bad english...
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You said a mouthful there - they grow up so so fast. Congratulations for the newbie and BTW - your english is perfect (another thing I'm bewildered about in this tiny country - all of you and your perfect not only spoken BUT written english! Gosh :) )
 
Maybe it's because we may think that stay at home mother means that you take care of your children and house you're living in. So it's kind of funny that you think yourself as a stay at home mother when we think that you are doing nothing. But also I would love to be in your position. So enjoy it :)
 
There are loads of people here in Finland who will underestimate those people who stay years at home with children. They don't think this is acceptable and therefore everyone should start working when the children have outgrown the baby stage. This is something I've never understood myself.

Being a stay-at-home mum is in general not acceptable here. Everyone should work nevertheless what is their workplace and salary. It's so important to have 'career' here, even in many cases it's not so wise in financial terms. For instance, if the mother goes to work and earns 1200 € gross salary, the family must pay for the day care and if the father has work with good salary, the day care costs will be high. Let's say the family has 3 children so they costs could reach up to 700-800 €. So it doesn't make a big financial difference if the mother is working or not but still many people feel the mother has to be working. Being at home with kids, is considered as loser way of life. That's the harsh reality here.
 
Things will always be bad out there in some way for someone. This issue It's not between moms only. It's between peoples. Peoples can be so catty, spiteful and downright evil to each other, however can not generalize. I've come to the conclusion that killem with kindness ;)
 
People has pointed many important things here. For Finns it's all about having enough guts and energy: "I can handle this, I won't be needing any of your help". It's about being proud - too proud. As somebody pointed before it's not such a wonder that Finnish people are so depressed!

If moms should be working full-time from the point when baby reaches age 3 (or earlier) how could you be spending the rest of your day with your hobbies? You must be with your kids because they've already spent the whole day in a day care center!

Nobody realizes that there is an opportunity to do your things on Monday evening and let the kids be with the father (if he's not around maybe grandparents are a good idea) and then do the swap! On Tuesday dad will be doing his stuff and you're be doing stuff with kids!

Btw your life sounds nice. I bet there ain't a perfect and right way to live your life. Cultures are different and people are different. If you can afford a nanny and a housekeeper - then do it if you want so! Nobody should blame you when you're not ignoring your kids and treating them badly.

Having some hobbies and spending time just with yourself ain't a reason for custody! ;)
 

Nappaa liput koko perheen ilmaiseen leffanäytökseen Helsingissä tai Oulussa!

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